Check out the audio version of this article on YouTube: https://youtu.be/oB5UhjKt8Zc

(This will be the first entry in a series exploring issues in the church that impact our relationships and quality of life.)

Matthew 7:3:

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” 

I’ve had this piece in the works for some time.

An exchange I was a part of a while back inspired me to finish this up. That situation was emblematic of the not-so-great behaviors in many pockets of organized religion.

If any of these areas are a priority for you this season….

• Finding a wife
• Finding a husband
• Christian dating

….you’re familiar with how frustrating that journey can be. Many turn to Christian dating websites (e.g. Christian Mingle) and dating apps, the new wild west of matchmaking that’s opened up an avenue for meeting more potential love interests than ever before.

Traditionally, houses of worship have been touted as great places to meet a God-fearing man (or woman) with similar values.

And they can be, no doubt.

Unfortunately, those places can be sources of frustration, too. Even if you’re not a church-goer, you’ve probably got a “religious person” horror story of your own.

(Jehovah’s witnesses? Accosted in the subway by a misguided zealot?)

Judgmental people kill churches. They are authors of mass singlehood and relationship dissatisfaction, too.

In my work in the relationship space, this is not uncommon with men and women of faith looking for partners. Any potential match who shares a thought that doesn’t align perfectly with what they think—or what they think others should think—is dismissed right then and there.

Very little grace. No consideration for individuality. It flies in the face of what Christ espoused.

They don’t look like you think they should or don’t enjoy the same music—-it’s a no-go, full stop. We can be too quick to pull the plug instead of letting our spirits weigh in. 

Then, women of a certain age wonder why “there are no good men left.”

(That’s a whole ‘nother discussion that could go on for days, too.)

If you’re in the season of looking for marriage, here is a suggestion:

As long as the person in front of you shares the same key values as you, give them a chance.

Keep the main thing the main thing.

During the early stages of vetting and getting to know each other, understand that there’s no guarantee of ever-smooth sailing. Keep in mind that you saw some value in this person at the onset—why else are you giving them the time of day?—so manage your mindset accordingly. If a dispute arises or one of you falls short of expectations, resist the urge to immediately search for an escape hatch.

Discuss your concerns and allow an opportunity to clear the air and see where everyone stands. Afford the same consideration you would want someone to extend to you, before jumping to conclusions and chucking away a potential connection like an expired coupon.

Let’s circle back to the topic of “judgment”.

By “judgmental”, I’m not referring to anyone (correctly) calling out thoughts and actions that depart from a certain standard. We need more of that in society today; it would solve a lot of problems.

There are actually few acts more loving than someone willing to bear scorn in order to encourage someone else to move in the right direction.

Proverbs 13:24:

“He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.”

Proverbs 27:17:

“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”

When I say “judgmental”, I’m referring to people who demean/dismiss/savage others because the manner in which they move, talk, live does not mirror their own.

Want to fry chicken? You could use lard, vegetable oil, coconut oil—all of those represent different health and flavor profiles.

But ultimately, you got it done.

There is no one “right” way to fry a chicken. 

Your walk with Christ is no different. We’re guided by the same north star, but the manner in which we manifest that value system in the here-and-now will vary.

“Religious” folk who attempt to shame others because of their speech or persuasion do the world a disservice. Legalism doesn’t wear well; It didn’t in 23 B.C. and it doesn’t now.

To be clear: This isn’t a justification for lukewarm Christianity or adopting a “I’ll-do-it-my-way-no-one-can-judge-me” ethos that departs from the principles of Christianity. I don’t fall into the camp of New-Age Christians who support mutations of Christianity or an “All Roads Lead to Heaven” departure from the truth.

I’m stating that unequivocally so there’s no confusion about what I’m getting at in this piece.

What I’m pushing is individuality and comfort in one’s own skin—- while still staying loyal to a set of guiding principles. Just because someone cracks jokes that don’t jibe with your sensibilities, doesn’t mean they’re not a Christian.

We are what we repeatedly do (and say): Show me where a (wo)man devotes his most important resources and I’ll show you what matters to him.

A man that can always be counted on to help clean up the sanctuary after service or lend a hand to one of the older parishioners in need; Does it really matter whether he’s sitting in church in a polo shirt instead of a suit or that he spends his Thursday nights playing tennis in lieu of singing at choir practice?

Keep the main thing the main thing.

Christ communed with all different sorts and persuasions. He did not discriminate, shun the impoverished, or dodge those with checkered histories.

He was clear about what they needed to do to live their best life.

Ironically, Christ’s crucifixion and rise from the dead was necessary to ensure we no longer had to follow a strict standard of rituals and sacrifices to avoid eternal damnation. Christ did that so that we could exercise free will and choose to join His family while still maintaining our individuality.

You’ve got parishioners that go to church twice a week, read the bible daily, and still cannot connect the dots. 

We read about Pharisees and turn our noses up at them; how could they be so pious and evil at the same time? Yet we cannot see how undeservedly-sanctimonious we can be, patronizing others and forgetting all of the lessons that are supposed to be sinking in while studying the word.

This lack of awareness is lost on a lot of believers, unfortunately. And it turns people off from religion and those associated with it.

You’ll hear some complaining from vocal representatives of the cloth who are lightning rods for criticism:

“Oh, they hate that I’m politically-incorrect. I’m just too real for them.”

No, they don’t like you because you’re a jerk.

Many of these folks conflate authenticity with obnoxiousness and self-centeredness. You can be a staunch advocate for your points of view, sling pointed sentences, and never mince words—without being rude and off-putting. 

It’s all about how you treat others. I can plant my feet firmly on a position, parrying verbal shots left and right, while still being palatable.

Self-awareness and diplomacy are tools for any effective leader or pursuer of great relationships.

I’ve had the misfortune of encountering a number of these self-righteous types. 

I’ll share one of those tales:

I met a lady some time ago. We had a pair of in-depth conversations within the first few days of meeting and it was clear there was mutual romantic interest.

She asked me a number of very personal questions. I didn’t dodge them or take offense—-I welcomed them actually, because that’s the sort of conversation that builds rapport and helps you get to know a person.

Since we had already ventured past the framework of polite, superficial conversation, I inquired about her thoughts related to physical intimacy: preferences, perspectives etc.

She mentioned that was an area that she was uncomfortable discussing early on and didn’t want to talk about it.

I didn’t have a problem with that response. I understand that’s a “touchy” subject and I left it alone. No judgment or criticism from me.

Not a word from me about (the lack of) reciprocity of openness of expression either, given how willing I was to answer questions without filter.

Note: Questions about intimacy are absolutely necessary for getting to the root of who is in front of you, especially if you’re considering someone for a serious relationship.

No matter what your religious persuasion, do not be naive about this. Life is full of uncomfortable situations and you’re always better off casting aside initial fear and worry in a bid to accomplish a goal or get critical information needed to arrive at the right decisions.

We can quibble about what the “right” time to engage in real, in-depth discussions is, but don’t kid yourself about these sort of conversations being a prerequisite for meaningful engagement.

My general philosophy on handling uncomfortable situations is to treat them like swimming: dive right in and get the cold shock over with, rather than prolonging the discomfort by dipping a few toes in and hoping the water magically warms up. 

In these getting-to-know-you situations, I’m not looking to stave off rejection; I’m more interested in identifying potential partners without wasting time.

Can you avoid doing or saying anything that might offend someone or lead to a fight during the early stages of courting? 

Sure. 

And I understand that the pain of rejection is a major deterrent for letting your true self—imperfections and all—see the light of day. Completely understandable why so many people elect a representative to take their place during the first weeks, months, even years of interacting with a potential love interest.

That’s not my style.

If you’ve got a healthy self-esteem and remember that we live in a world with billions of people—a subset of which you would be a great match with—that softens the blow of any “no”s you will inevitably hear. You learn how not to see rejection as an affront on your character  and free yourself up to be found by someone else.

Why waste time suppressing pieces of myself out of fear when I can just live authentically and let the chips fall where they may?

Better to be yourself and go from there: you cannot make anyone love you.

If I’m curious about your thoughts on God, I’m just going to ask early on. Same might go with your stances on marriage, feminism, homosexuality, finances—all of the hot-button topics that can elicit a more visceral reaction than your thoughts about the New York Jets or whether you prefer mild or spicy Jamaican beef patties.

Back to the story:

After that exchange, I noticed she was incommunicado for a couple of days. I checked in on her and she let me know that she was put off when I broached the subject of intimacy.

In addition, my questions about that area meant that I was not serious about purity and my walk with Christ.

I was flabbergasted…..extremely-judgmental of her to jump to that conclusion.

I didn’t bother defending myself or attacking her—-it’s difficult to win arguments. I learned a long time ago that you’re just better off stating your perspective on something and then allowing the other party to listen or just react however they choose to. Most people are going to do whatever they want to do no matter how vigorously you protest and there’s no sense stressing yourself over the matter. 

I know who I am and can live without external validation. 

Emotional growth and a willingness to submit my conduct to a power bigger than myself keep my ego in check and allow me to overlook slights that might have set me off in my earlier days.

In these early stages of getting to know someone for a potential romantic partnership, I don’t try to convince anyone to like me. I’ll be respectful, thoughtful, and put sincere effort into treating her well, but I will not pretend to be someone I’m not or kowtow in any way that’s manipulative or incongruent with my values.

The rush to judgment about my relationship with Christ; it was surprising and disappointing.

The self-righteousness and hypocrisy was galling as well, given that I could have pointed to actual acts and history that she shared that could easily be used to call her own devotion into question.

Matthew 7:5:

“You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

I didn’t go there, though. I offered an apology for offending her, shared a few words about Christians being too quick to judge, and bid her farewell.

A suggestion for anyone in the market for a partner:

Be discerning about who gets your time and attention; there’s no need to waste time with people who are obvious bad matches.

Maintain some flexibility, though, and be willing to talk through areas of concern.

Christian women, in particular, lament the lack of “good” men out there, but don’t see how their impatience and lack of grace might be contributing to their struggle.

I’m not suggesting there aren’t a lot jokers out there, with relationship and dating red flags visible everywhere you look. I’m just saying that you may be passing up on promising candidates because you’re too fast to eject in a bid to avoid potential heartbreak or because you’ve got an unreasonable list of what you’re looking for that no one measures up to.

(Not even yourself.)

We are too quick to judge, costing ourselves opportunities. 

I’ve got to be explicit here: this piece is not a take-down of organized religion. If anything, inserting more of Christ into your life is the missing variable for solving any and all life equations you’re struggling with at this very moment.

(I’ll explore that further in an article yet to be published).

Regular meetings with other believers is an essential part of living your best life and defaulting to listening to sermons on the internet. I’m just calling out the behaviors that puts the “ow!” in “Fellowship” and drive people away from church (and God).

Our relationships with Christ are not uniform. Adhere to the key values, don’t be afraid to be yourself, and extend others the sort of grace you’d like to receive in return.

Humility and a willingness to surrender to causes bigger than yourself is respected by most anyone you’ll encounter. That’s a much more palatable springboard than self-righteousness for connecting with others and sharing information that can change someone’s life for the better.

Just because you can cite a few scriptures, doesn’t mean you’re perfect. If you’re not actually living by the code, does any of that matter?

Talk is cheap.

And if you disagree with anything I’ve said here, I’ll pray for you.

(Just kidding; that’s another dismissive utterance oft-heard during disagreements. that we could do without.)
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Thank you for reading. I’d love to hear from you:

• Used to participate in religion, but have since been driven away? Why?

• You ever deal with a situation where you were judged unfairly?

• Are you looking for better ways to meet a partner through church?