(Check out the companion audio version on YouTube here: https://youtu.be/ruxG12QEPbg)
“Why do bad things happen to good people?”
“Why does God allow suffering and evil?”
“I stopped going to church because of the religious hypocrites, mistreatment, and drama.”
Common sentiments and questions from many, the results of imperfect people populating an imperfect world.
One of the biggest disappointments anyone who has ever held a curiosity about God has is witnessing the disparity between the values extolled in religion and what we actually experience from professed followers of religion.
This is a frustration many of us have run headlong into again and again. The solutions for the conflicts and hurts in our families, religious groups, social circles, and workplaces are nuanced; problems and misunderstandings will persist as long as we don’t address the interpersonal and spiritual issues lingering behind the scenes.
So harboring a grudge against others—or God—because we reside not in a utopia is a waste of your energy and an unnecessary stress-inducer. There exists no heaven on earth.
(Although, if you’re reading this, you still have a chance to find your way to paradise when your time in this life is said and done.)
But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have some idea of what present-day Christianity should look and feel like.
So, what should Christianity look like in our world? Or, more specifically, what should we be aiming to see and become?
This is a thought experiment I could spell it out in dozens of directions, but we’ll limit it to three values:
- 1) Grace
- 2) Accountability
- 3) Empathy
1) Grace
Grace: The willingness to extend mercy to someone—or something—despite imperfection.
We’re a world full of imperfect people. We’re all going to commit mistakes, have people wrong us etc. How we handle these transgressions colors our everyday experiences (and how we rebound from adversity).
Accepting that unwelcome intrusions to our peace will visit us can prepare us to handle those difficult situations in a manner that reduces emotional scarring for everyone involved.
It would be great if, knowing what it feels like to be wronged, we can react to wrongs in ways that minimize the odds of lingering strife and discord. Both in the present moment and going forward.
A biblical parable:
The Unmerciful Servant: Matthew 18: 21-35:
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”
Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
“Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
“At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
“But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.
“His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’
“But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.
“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”
Is this story a directive to just accept any and all behavior that comes your way, not protect yourself? No, you still use wisdom and behave accordingly.
I explore the benefits of grace at length in this previous article:
Grace: Why You Need More of It
Go check it out.
If “Grace” is the soothing agent that brings comfort to new wounds, our next principle is the disinfectant…..
2) Accountability
Accountability: A willingness to acknowledge one’s role in failure and success.
This one’s a core value for me and a subject I’ve explored many times:
“Scapegoating and blame-shifting are popular tools for explaining away failure, especially when confronted by critics uncomfortable with complex answers.”
On a personal level, I don’t do well in spaces with finger-pointers who are quick to offload blame. To the extent that I can limit my exposure to them in serious matters, I do.
There’s just something very off-putting about a person who doesn’t have the integrity to own up to mistakes…..I have a real disdain for that. Some of that inability to accept responsibility can be chalked up to a lack of self-awareness; sometimes, people just don’t know what they don’t know. They may not see how they contribute to mistakes.
More often than not, though, a lack of accountability is a function of a moral double-standard—we demand excellent treatment and attentiveness from others, but aren’t committed to delivering that ourselves when it’s not in our immediate interest.
I was faced with a public accountability dilemma not too long ago. I was a part of a large group of people, connected remotely. Through carelessness, I contributed to a series of misunderstandings that stirred up some drama within the group. There was no way the error could be traced back to me, so I could have kept silent, let others absorb the blame, and avoid any blowback myself.
Felt no peace about that sort of cowardice, though.
I’m not one to see how I can diffuse a situation and just walk away without doing something.
So, Instead of allowing others to take the blame, I spoke up and insisted that I was at fault for getting that negative ball rolling.
Other members of the group thought that move was commendable.
When situations go awry, owning mistakes, public and private, garners respect from those aware of what went down.
I am all about accountability and honesty; when I fall short, I care more about doing what I can to rectify that more than any potential damage to myself.
Especially if I’ve impacted others.
An honest “sorry”, without justifications or excuses, goes a long way.
The world is a better place when people exercise empathy (more on that coming up). Visualize perspectives not your own and try to treat people in a way that they’d want to be treated, even if it may cost you something.
I just try to do what’s “right”; it helps if you prize ideals bigger than yourself.
)Something Feels Wrong?: The One Relationship You May Be Neglecting | (How to Grow a Church – Part 2)
There are times when we wished a helping hand would intervene, saving us from antagonistic forces who seem determined to bring stress and trouble our way.
Sometimes, YOU are the hero that others wish they had.
And I’m not talking about the spectacular here—it could be as simple as backing someone up who is sharing an unpopular opinion amongst a group or paying back a debt without forcing someone to hound you for it.
No web-slinging or mutant powers required.
You’re less likely to sit on the sidelines when you assume (some) responsibility for the individuals and environments you frequent:
A third value we could use more of from present-day Christians…..
3) Empathy
Empathy: The ability to put yourself in others’ shoes.
What “empathy” may look like in different contexts:
- Romance: How do we interact with other men and women? How do we become someone others want to be with? You’re honest and upfront with others, invested in meeting their needs and love languages etc.
- Work and Career: Those who get ahead deliver value to clients, employers, and stakeholders.
- Parenting and Authority Figures: Tasked with guiding others? Steward those in your charge and encourage thought patterns that promote success.
- Would-be Leaders: Want to be a change agent? Social Justice Warrior or champion for diversity, equity, and inclusion? One of the secrets to great leadership is that people follow those who embody the principles they prize the most.
If you’re a leader in a church or religion-adjacent collective, like a non-profit—How do you handle that?
What might Christ demand from a modern-day pastor?
Well, you first want to be a teacher of the Christian faith, at least as much as someone can ask you basic questions about the word…
“Q: Hey, pastor. One of my cousins wronged me. Is it ok if I hold a grudge against her forever? I don’t want to forgive her.”
….and you can comfortably respond with a reasonable, biblically-sound answer…..
A: “It’s natural to be angry about something like that. Sorry that happened to you. The word tells us that we should forgive those who trespass against us, no matter how bad we’re hurt. Check out the parable about the Unmerciful Servant in Matthew 18. God has already forgiven mankind for sins much worse than anything we could ever do to each other.”
Does that mean you expose yourself to danger and further mistreatment at the hands of others? No, we use wisdom. But we don’t hold a grudge or everlasting vow of unforgiveness.”
A pastor should be well-versed in scripture and willing to hold those in his charge accountable. Do not mince words about what they should aim for in conduct and thinking, but do not forget that they are still people—flaws and all. They aren’t automatons who will fall in line seamlessly and don’t need a soft touch at times.
You can highlight where others have fallen short and offer advice on how they can move towards God’s desire for them, yet still maintain a loving relationship with them. Be firm, but not unfeeling.
Ironically, too many faith leaders are just like the Pharisees of biblical times, who plotted against Jesus from the day he hit the scene. Sanctimonious, lack of perspective and self-awareness. They can recite scripture chapter and verse all day long, but struggle to apply knowledge in a way that positively impacts the world around them.
And heaven forbid anyone–members of their church or otherwise—share a divergent viewpoint from theirs. Ears and mind are shut and all dissident voices are dismissed.
“Can’t tell him nothin’. “
Pastors themselves should have other members of faith that can hold them accountable as well, men and women they can talk to and solicit feedback on where they can grow and develop from time to time.
Show me a leader who is accountable to no one and I’ll show you a leader who is a danger to everyone around them.
In 21st-century churches, we’ve seen the proliferation of pastors more interested in their own self-aggrandizement than serving as a shepherd for men and women badly in need of guidance. That could be a function of the advent of social media outlets that can transform anyone into a star. Or maybe a product of the very human desire of attention and all of the perks that come with that.
Pastors chasing their own fame and riches like…..
Christ-like empathy boils down to how we treat others.
Are you stealing from people, taking advantage when you think you can get away with it? Manipulative? Back-biting?
Conflict resolution. What does that look like for you?
If you’re a professed Christian, would others say you consistently represent what He stood for? Or are you the type of believer who others secretly resent, self-righteous, stiff-necked, and selectively-pious when it suits you?
Admittedly, the title of this post is a misnomer; there’s no one-size-fits-all answer to the question of what a Christian looks like nowadays. We’re different people with a range of proclivities and nuances.
Go out there and be the best civil engineer, caterer, IT professional, bank manager that you can be. Someone who models the virtues of the Christian faith, in their own, imperfect way.
The case for Calculated Aggression…..
Can You Ever Be Too Careful?: The Case for Calculated Aggression
Matthew 5:14-16:
“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”
Something as simple as a call or text to someone who is not expecting it—you can do that. Check on folks you haven’t seen in a while at church or work or elsewhere; that sort of care means something and will not be forgotten.
The world becomes a better place—no matter what your faith—when we start assuming more responsibility for what transpires around us. Grace, accountability, and empathy go a long way towards making that happen.